heartbreak

Marteze Harris #161543
Waupun Correctional Institution.
Post Office Box 351
Waupun, Wisconsin 53963
Wednesday, July 06, 2011 ,
I have in these past 15 years of incarceration tried to redeem myself not just for my crimes, in which I am incarcerated for, but for the lost to my character. I engaged in some horrible things to land myself here, and I have prayed for God, to truly be a forgiving God. I have also, had to learn to live with, as well as forgive myself. Self-forgiveness and redemption has been a slow, but steadyprocess.
So when my character is challenged "NOW", I take insult to that! I trusted someone, and tried to love and care for that person, even when I knew they were not what I thought they were. Loyalty, honor and respect are all I have in this world that can never be stripped by these prison walls, or environment. And that is what I expect, no demand, from anyone I deal with now. However, some people feel like because I am a prisoner that anything goes, and when they find out that is not the case, then for some stupid reason they feel offended. GO FIGURE!!
There is this hatred, anger and frustration building up in side of me, because betrayal is a bitter pill to swallow. I cared for someone that did not care for me. That is not the betrayal, they pretended to care, to be real, ... honorable and loyal, but how can someone be true to someone else, when they aren't true to themself? When they can't be true to the person they have committed to spend the rest of their life with?
I come from the streets, no real education, 11th grade education, got my HSED in prison, a little college, but besides my street senses, everything else is just A/hat I've learned from just living. I am by no means a dummy. I have always been good at school, but applying it was something else. However, book smarts only goes so far where I come from, you must be able to
incorporate street sense with that. Otherwise you have no chance in this world. Trust, loyalty and respect are key factors in that education. The ones that are closes to you can do the most damage, so always be skeptical of whom you let into your inner circle. I somehow lost focus and let someone get close to me recently that was just like the serpent that tricked Eve, in that garden. ,
I have asked myself HOW?,WHY?, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? These questions and many more have been flowing thru my mind lately. How, could let this happen... Love! 15 years of incarceration makes a man needs, wants and desires override common sense. I knew it was right, I knew that person wasn't, but I did not listen to my instincts, and now I find myself in this predicament!

Why? Because people can't be real and straight up. Yes, I take responsibility for some of it, because I didn't do my part. Again, I let emotions override my common senses, as veil as my street senses. But some people believe that prisoners will settle for anything. They can walk in our world mess it up and then go back to their life like nothing happened. Their morals, values, and character are seriously flawed. No loyalty, no honor, no respect for any thing but themselves. The sad thing is I will be okay. I will vent in this blog, lick my rounds, re-focus and move on, but I feel sorry for their mate. The person that doesn't know what or who they really live with, and have dedicated their lives to. That is the person I truly feel sorry for them, because the things the deceiver said about that person to get what they want is truly mind boggling. Even as their mate suffers from a terminal illness!!
What did I do wrong? Not follow my instincts. Trusted someone that was not worthy. I am a incarcerated man, and I must never lose focus of that again. I must always be true to myself, and be skeptical of anyone that comes into my world. That does not mean that prisoners can't have meaningful friendships relationships while in prison. On the contrary, you can, you just have to trust yourself, and no matter how bad you want someone in your life, no matter how lonely you feel inside these walls; trust your instincts. Make the right decisions for yourself. The first law of nature is self-preservation!..Especially for those of us that still have time to do.
And, to those people with impulsive decisions to write prisoners-take your time to carefully consider whether to write a prisoners please be genuine, and honorable. Be respectful to yourself and truthful to us. We don't expect you to be perfect, nor without flaws or faults; no -just want you to be real, honest and yourself. We don't expect you to dedicate your every making hour to us. We don't expect you to stop living your life, nor give up anything for us. We don't expect anything from you, except what you are milling and able to offer. Friendship is a precious and beautiful thing A/hen both parties involved are straight up with the other person, and communication is there, genuine desire to do right by the other person.
If you are not sure, if you are not milling to offer at least some of the things outlined above please don't write US! Because we are incarcerated men and women, with so much bullshit in our lives already, that we don't need yours. Believe me ours is more than enough for a lifetime.
Prisoners need love, friendship, companionship and communication for the outside world. We are human and that need,want and desire doesn't leave us upon incarceration, on the contrary it gets even stronger. But the person that says to them self they are milling to take that journey with us has to be committed. Even if it's only for a day, week, a month...however, long it is, just be honest. Don't play games with us, and for the most part we won't play games with you. And, I said for the most part on our part because some of us will abuse your kindness, but you have to able to differentiate between "REAL" and "BS". We won't judge all of you by A/hat some do, if you won't?
I am angered by this betrayal, and by what they did after, but there is nothing I can do about it, but blog and vent, and hope that this blog will help someone else, not make the mistakes I did.
Peg Swan, and her organization a big apology! And, I am very sorry for whatever inconvenience my actions may have caused to you, your organization, as well as your pen pal services. And I also, hope that those people who are thinking of joining the pen pal services, please do. Because we need you. No friendship/relationship is perfect, whether you are in prison or not, but you can not let someone elses problems dictate your situation. FFUP, is a excellent organization, they do a lot for prisoners, the prison system, family and friends.
Peg, is a friend of mine and I let her down, and may be oneday she will be
able to trust me again. This will be my last blog for a while on FFUP. I need
to take time out and get refocused on self. I hope to return in the future,
but I have a lot of work to do on me. ,
Excuse the many mistakes in this blog. I usually try to do a rough draft of my blogs, but I didn't do that today. But, I believe I got my point across?
Always, Teze